MICHELE BALAN RETURNS TO THE GROVE
Photo by Sean Hargrove
Adorable newbie ushers, Parker and Andy, set the tone as one
entered the Community house, or as it is now known, “National Landmark
Theater: Oldest LGBT theater in the country” (reiterated by both hostess Panzi
and Matt Baney, the voice from the booth)
After the requisite appearance by our most glamorous Homecoming
Queen, Demi Tass, comic Michele Balan, the evening’s attraction, emulating our
famous drag queens, burst upon that hallowed stage lip synching “In The Mood
by the Andrew sisters, and danced off!
She returned as her real self, armed with a barrage of laser sharp
one liners, each on squarely target. This motor mouthed mélange of zingers
delivered at a rat-a-tat pace required strong control of the laugh reflex, lest
miss one of them,
Hot after her number looked wistfully at the air conditioner over
the stage “Is that for show? I’d like a blow job”
Most Grove comics are usually
very “blue” and site specific. And Balan couldn’t resist a swipe at the recent
Groove hotel fire. “I was told not to talk about it, such a nice place…don’t
talk abut the towels, you exfoliate every time you come out of the shower”
I go through the meat rack and
tell everyone I’m a vegan;
But her charm is that she is universal, she can turn life’s
miseries into merry moments. Her wide spectrum of topics guarantees that
everyone will erupt in moments of recognition.
It is impossible not to share
some of bon mots, (although once Sal Piro “thanked” me for giving away
his entire act !) but there was so much material her hour plus show that these
are but the tip of the iceberg:
I was on Last Comic Standing, now I’m on Where Are They Now;
Went to an 80’s party and everyone was in their 80’s;
I’m not afraid of shark attacks –on seeing me in the water one said:
one shark said I just lost my appetite, another I’m not that hungry;
Sure I’ll renew my gym membership, where are you located?
I’m so lazy I do stand up comedy sitting down;
My arms? All of a sudden you wake up and you’re wearing a cape;
Took a cruise and they had an elevator on the rock climb
I needed a GPS to find my stove – I have cooked in 8 years
Who eats Chinese food in a restaurant?
Why do they leave a cup of wine for Elijah – He’s not coming.
OH, I have a home phone so I can call my cell phone
Smoking addict: I tried everything, a patch on my mouth.
I even smoked when I was snorkeling – little puffs of smoke
coming out of the water
My mom smoked even while she was delivering me
I came out with ashes on my head
At $15 a pack when someone asks can you spare a cigarette I say,
sure, can you spare $4?
Does it affect your looks? Look at me - I’m 25!
Current obsession with health and safety: If you dropped food on t
he floor you mother said “Eat that”
On baby seats: You arm was your seatbelt in the car.
People are taking sleeping pills after many decafe espressos;
Love the ad “don’t let depression get you down”;
5 hour energy drinks – used to be cocaine
Yeah I took LSD I saw my nose hanging off my ear
The talented and generous lady then dashed up to the Ice Palace
for a cameo appearance in the CGFD benefit show.
For however long Michele was away from the Grove, let’s hope her
return will be soon. Once is not enough.